insanely depressed...

11/28/09

...i feel so down today. And i have no idea why..I just can't explain it..it gets me even more frustrated by the minute.i feel like wallowing on something I don't even know what. It's not healthy, and this unexplainable force is pushing me towards it. i know I AM stronger than this, and i know i can get this off, but it seems like it won't let me. no sweets can cheer me up this minute. as im typing this, i'm waiting for my next customer/call, and i'd rather talk to them than be all aware of this dark hole of emotions in me.i used to love the avail time and read ebooks that'd thrill me...now, whenever i feel like reading, it has to be nicholas sparks for emo drain, and no sidney sheldon or vampire novels can comfort me at all...this is eating me up, i feel like im drowning in dark waters, with no hope of reaching the surface and breathe free...gotta talk to someone...

earlier this evening, before i went to work, while i was quietly fixing my clothes in the closet, my mind went off like a battlefield all of a sudden..like it's shouting mad, trying to break free, about to lose grip of something, an urge to do something or i lose it, and like fighting for air.all that, in one instant. it all happened at once, while doing that quiet activity in a normal slow pace.weird right? and it's not the first time for me. its been like that, for as long as i can remember. it's frighteningly insane. i feel like i'd lose it (my sanity) any minute, just one false move..like im standing in the edge and fall any second.except that it didn't happen. it never happened. and I won't ever let it happen. i need my sanity to live. my sanity is next to air for me.