2009...my year...maybe.

Message in a Bottle..fave quotes and personal thoughts

2009-12-09T10:18:00.000-08:00

...worried that her life was slipping past her...

...She still dreamed about falling in love with someone, of having someone take her in his arms and make her feel she was the only one who mattered.

...I know that somehow,every step I took since the moment I could walk was a step toward finding you. We were destined to be together.

-Garrett to Catherine

...and I find myself wondering why—out of all the people in all the world I could ever have loved—I had to fall in love with someone who was taken away from me..-Garrett to Catherine

...sometimes you’ve got to take a chance...

..."How come you always know exactly what to say to make me feel good?” ...“Maybe it’s because you bring out the best in me.” Theresa to Garrett.

bench thoughts::

...it's been a while since the last time I felt so sure of myself, of feeling complete, whole..that the search has ended, a missing piece of the puzzle found...my life's path going all clear,having a solid reason for living..that very moment when I was so sure of my future, and whatever it would be,I didn't care as long as I'm with him, I'm his, and he's mine...yes, as clear as the blue sky,he became my world, my life, the center of my being. i was in love. And as beautiful as that love had been, it has also been equally shattered to pieces...now, regret is eating me up. and i have to deal w/ the what if's and could have's that'd surface now and then.i should know. those pieces are still lying around.and somehow, i still can't let go of what should have been thrown long ago.

insanely depressed...

2009-12-09T10:08:00.000-08:00

11/28/09

...i feel so down today. And i have no idea why..I just can't explain it..it gets me even more frustrated by the minute.i feel like wallowing on something I don't even know what. It's not healthy, and this unexplainable force is pushing me towards it. i know I AM stronger than this, and i know i can get this off, but it seems like it won't let me. no sweets can cheer me up this minute. as im typing this, i'm waiting for my next customer/call, and i'd rather talk to them than be all aware of this dark hole of emotions in me.i used to love the avail time and read ebooks that'd thrill me...now, whenever i feel like reading, it has to be nicholas sparks for emo drain, and no sidney sheldon or vampire novels can comfort me at all...this is eating me up, i feel like im drowning in dark waters, with no hope of reaching the surface and breathe free...gotta talk to someone...

earlier this evening, before i went to work, while i was quietly fixing my clothes in the closet, my mind went off like a battlefield all of a sudden..like it's shouting mad, trying to break free, about to lose grip of something, an urge to do something or i lose it, and like fighting for air.all that, in one instant. it all happened at once, while doing that quiet activity in a normal slow pace.weird right? and it's not the first time for me. its been like that, for as long as i can remember. it's frighteningly insane. i feel like i'd lose it (my sanity) any minute, just one false move..like im standing in the edge and fall any second.except that it didn't happen. it never happened. and I won't ever let it happen. i need my sanity to live. my sanity is next to air for me.

2009-09-11T09:26:00.000-07:00

DON'T SAY GOODBYE

how do you keep someone close and won't leave you,

yet you know you can't keep them forever?

how do you let go of somone you care

when you know it's gonna hurt you,

of the distance, of no longer having things

the way it used to be?

you know it's selfish, to ask them

to stay,

and yet too painful to see them go.

you've had this scenarios over and over,

but why does it hurt everytime?

you'd never get used to that feeling

it eats you out, stinging pain unimaginable.

you keep rewinding those everydays you had together

you know it's never gonna be the same when they're

not around and feel them.

your eyes, too used of the sight of them, can't fight the tears from flowing.

when you know you can do something to stop

(the longing),

you're tied up somewhere...and back to square one.

saying goodbye

such bittersweet irony

you say farewell yet you know you

cannot let go.

you tell them to take care

yet you want to see them everyday

just to know they're fine.

you want them to be well as much as hoping they won't be gone for too long

...and hurry back to you.

please...

tell me you'll be fine, a thousand times.

tell me you long to come back to me as much as i do that you would

tell me we'll see other around again soon,

though we know it would be for a real while.

anything, anything at all...

just don't say goodbye.

Your Favourite Girl

2009-06-07T04:13:00.000-07:00

"What can you say about a twenty-five year old girl who died? That she was beautiful and brilliant. That she loved Mozart and Bach. The Beatles. And me." -Love Story, 1970

-------------

How does one great friendship start? What are great friends made of? More often than not, I try recalling how I started being friends w/ my bestfriend, and my closest friends...and i just give up! i know i wouldnt always remember how it all started. I love them, but I think it's a different case w/ memory issues. I have racked my brain and all, and still hopeless..all i can recall though are those times we've enjoyed hanging around together, sharing each other's lives that sometimes had me wondering how we clicked, w/ our lives so different and all (^ ^,), sentiments we understood and felt, and all other minute details that may be too small to consider, but hugely heartwarming when balled up..well, I SHOULD remember how i got along w/ my friends right? hmph.. yet so rude of me to forget!i feel so exasperatingly desperate (?)! but hey, blame it on my memory cells.lol!

yet, maybe, Our friendship might have started the first moment we liked, understood, accepted each other... or Maybe it's when you feel like you've woken up on the right side of the bed when you are with that person. it's like things just fall into place. at first, you question yourself of what drew you to each other, or if the reason is only of a superficial kind... then you start to see them beyond the surface. when you both start to check on each other, like 'have your lost your mind yet?", or "is your heart still intact?". little things that would mean a lot when you look back. you see the good, and deal w/ each other's flaws, like breathing air. you just care for each other too much to mind the ticks. you compromise w/ each other...And all those.
I guess I've always had the answer all along. ü

to all my dearest friends, old and new, this goes out to you!

:::

one might wonder (or not) why i'm doing this.. as the excerpt from a movie stated above, i don't like things to be too late said, when " your person " can no longer hear the things you want them to know..as they say, it's never too late to express, while you still have them around w/ you. let them know how important they are to you. who knows, you may be helping them in ways much more than you know.ü

if one doesn't mind, i'd like to name a few treasured friends who served siginificantly in my life.these are the people i have also imagined growing old with, we even talked about growing old together, in our rocking chairs, watching our grandkids running around, and still friends! *LOL! i may have not been w/ some of them as often as before, but the feeling stays the same...and will always be. ^^,

:::

Winnah / Che-che - my first childhood bestfriend, back in Iloilo. she introduced me to my first love: dancing. haha! she was my teacher in this lambada dance. I remember her dancing it so well. hmm, and i also remember myself trying HARD to imitate her. I was nowhere graceful, and i don't think my twisted feet and legs were even a sightful. LOL!, she's always been a shy type, and even in highschool where she was classmates w/ Mary Ann (such coincidence!). Mary Ann could attest Che's shyness. and she won't even talk to me when I called!hehe. she extended her regards for me though , and that she was happy to know im still alive.haha!JK.ü hope to meet her again soon..*wistful.
last memory of her (9 yrs old): long, soft curly locks, slender body,long legs, fair-skinned. .. that's all i could remember right now, wish i could still recall her eyes and how she smil ed ...*sad..

Mary Ann - another childhood bestfriend way back grade school in Iloilo.she belonged in our class's "brainy bunch". despite being also considered as a snob bunch, my girl here is no snob. the kindest person in the world!down-to-earth, soft-spoken, silent (not sure though.hihi), but firm and sure in her ways. again, i don't know how we clicked. maybe i was too friendly.(!) LOL.
by the way , i was already a bit chatty then, so maybe opposites really do attract.haha!
last memory of her (9 yrs old): cheeky-faced, juday look-alike. really!ü ..a bit round-lean on the side, donning glasses, wavy,always-pulled-back hairdo. i think we both had the same curly hair!hehe. never got to really say goodbye to her before i left for cebu. but we kept in touch, until now.^^

Gladyz - my fashionista friend.has a heart of gold, my kikay sister, my dance-mate ü (all those Britney moves!) , my best homebuddy.ü everything seems so easy when you're around her. a pretty sight, but never an airhead. a fascinating creature(haha!), but a bit of a not-so normal type. i think. haha! one could say i was boy-crazy when she's (and still is) crazy for everything else but the men! guys would check her out, but she NEVER checks a guy out.she's not a lesbian though, just so you know..ü so whoever the guy that's gonna catch her pretty eye, *sighs.someday* i consider him very lucky!.trust me.*winks!
last memory of her: no need.we see each other often.LOL..another beautiful friend, if i may add. ^ ^

Valerie - my bestfriend. calling each other "bes" ever so fondly.ü sisters in so many ways (except by kin,of course). we're both girly girls, but what sets us apart, is the personalities. i mean, she's by far livelier than i am!spunky, as we describe her. she's not one who just gives up. a fighter she is.nowadays, we don't get to see much and spend time much w/ each other. hope we'll have that luxury pretty soon. boy, do we got loads and loads of stuff to catch up!can't wait. ü
somehow, we both know we "fought" for this friendship. ayt bes! *winks!
last memory of her: still as spunky-beautiful as ever!

Alexa - my closest college friend. soul sisters we are. from boys, to kikay thwingies, to thesis stuff (we're thesis partners during our college senior days ü ). and a lot more than that. my personal sun, she is.ü just when i thought i had the best time during college, having Alex as a friend is one of the best things that happened to me. couldn't ask for more. her being "motherly" to the group, malambing,caring, and über sweet w/ a dash of naughtiness (lol!), she's one gal that's hard to resist.
last memory of her: happy w/ baby david. lucky boy,lucky mom. ü

Marrah - another soul sister, or "soulmates" as she claimed us to be (ü). my namesake too. but prefers to be called by her 2nd name --Lotah-- since i "came", haha! for convenience, as she puts it, so we won't confuse people daw. hahaha! MOI dont think so.except for our identical morena skin and height (am a bit taller though), we are both exact physical opposites of each other.JUST imagine.lol! Lotah's a very interesting person, has a fascinating mind, a free-spirited gal, oozing w/ appeal, self-confidence, charm. can't be easily crushed as she's one tough *sweet cookie too!.one thing she doesnt know: she's my ideal self. i'd trade places w/ her any day..lol! *talk about vain.ü
last memory of her: still the same..as always, the exact opposite of moi.hahah!

Joy - my "blurp", as i am "zuccini" to her. another personal sun of mine,especially in the office. she may be younger than me, but boy! is she a lot mature for her age, *even a lot mature than moi,lol!*...we enjoyed tons of things together. she has made me realize a lot about life and that helped me to be more aware of life.*winks! tough and soft at the same time. sounds conflicting but true. like a yummy cookie! (i think i'm sounding hungry here everytime. lol !) hehehe ü blurp truly defends for her friends, another trait i feel smug about (comes in handy when a situation calls for it.lol). ;-)

last memory of her: blurp just cut her curly locks short! hehe..new look!^^, and she has such beautiful eyes..*winks!

these are a few of my "favourite girls" and probably the best by far. really, i'm not good w/ words.coz all of these still can't sum up what i feel for these girls. but it's the darn best i could do right now. God has really blessed me enough, giving me great friends, amazing people worth keeping and worthy to be loved and cherished back..hope you guys feel my sincerity thru this.you're still worth more than words can describe.
I love you all.

*your favourite girl*
^ ^
X

the FREE stuff

2009-05-11T10:53:00.000-07:00

...certainly, what one would do for a freebie!

i was meeting up w/ a girlfriend in a mall one afternoon. as soon as i entered the mall's premises, i immediately SMS'd her asking where she was so i could just go meet her up. she replied back, telling me to go to the 2nd floor,across a local boutiqe, adding that sh'ell be waiting for me there. and so i went. the mall is actually not too big, nor too small,so i was so sure i'd spot her right away. and boy was i wrong. no sign of Gladyz on both sides of the way. i started getting puzzled. i looked for her inside the boutiqe she told me, then on to corners outside it, but she's nowhere. i even checked for her outside an appliance shop just right across the boutiqe...well, more of like, just glanced for a full second. NOT in the world would she ever be there. yet, w/ that full second glance i took on the store, DID make me stop on my tracks.it couldn't be. WHY would she be there? it never occured to me home appliances appealed her. giving her the benefit of the doubt, it calmed me down to thinking she might have friends working there. not to mention currently swarming around her. you see, my friend is quite a pretty sight. so those gooey eyes on her direction doesn't surprise me. anyway, going back! when she spotted me standing outside, she motioned for me to come in, and JOIN her. at first i hesitated, thinking she won"t be long inside.but the look in her face told me we're going to be in it for a while..so I pushed open the glass doors, made my way inside, and sat in a couch across her, who is seated in a huge massage chair..it was a gay sales rep who was patiently explaining to her how this "high end cooking stove" would be a perfect gadget in the kitchen. turns out, the sales reps swarming around my friend, are NOT her friends. so Gladyz here after all,was persuaded on to something...in between the sales chat, Gladyz finally managed to tell me to just stick around for a few minutes more, so she could get her free digital thermometer...!..all this TIME we were waiting for a FREE THERMOMETER!! I can't believe she's sticking up to all of this miles of sales talk from one appliance to another, just to covet her precious, cute, free thermo. LOL! and how impatient she looked the whole time the sales rep was doing his spiel, priceless! haha! poor thing. ü

i admit i myself am also a bit of an addict to freebies. i mean, who wouldn't be? especially those good stuffs you know you can use. and i can't blame my friend here for going all thru it just to get that tiny stuff. but that's her. moi? im a bit impatient to those, especially having to stick around for sales talk. i'd rather go fro freebies that does'nt require much time to get them.there are a lot of them. hehehe.

i guess you can't stop one determined gal to get what she wants.

atta girl! ü

random sadness

2009-03-19T09:10:00.000-07:00

...it's pushing me deep.down into the water...when i can't even swim at all..

...im afraid to dwell w/ the feeling, knowing there's no turning back. but sometimes, there's indeed comfort (accompanied) by tears. it helps you see the light.somewhere.

...those eyes

2009-03-19T08:58:00.000-07:00

...there's love somewhere, yet you know it's not for you
...sadness, loneliness you can't quite decipher

...something's just so wrong but you can't really figure it out

...wisps of regret? helplessness?

...i'm lost.

you like him as much as not seeing any connection or sparks at all.

you can't imagine yourself with him and fall.

yet you're much affected for his attention,

and at the same time fully aware it will lead you nowhere to go.

and what's more frustrating is that you can't seem to rest the feeling,

and can't even identify what kind it is

...you know it's useless you want it to just end,

fade away to nothingness where it belongs

...those eyes, the smile,the funny feeling

...now if you're foolish mind would just forget (it)...

the might be's...

2009-03-19T07:39:00.000-07:00

...the year 's just started and I already have a lot of firsts. or should I say EYE OPENERS.things that I should have realized long ago,things I should know from the start, and things that I should have done looong ago. a lot of shoulda's.. and all's a big smack down on my selfish bubble.

if I do this right... a lot of good can happen to me..well, something...

...like being able to start SAVING money...now that! that I have to give credit to my dear parents.if not for them forcing me to save, I would be another Becky Bloomwood..really.

...like knowing "what's next to do?!" after being in my current job for 2 years now...really...what's next for me? I HAVE to forward on to something else. I just don't know where to start... (w/c right now, is scary to realize you DON'T know yet!)

...like also maybe finding a side job,or part-time work ...?!? i don't know...it's just that I may HAVE to gain extra money so my so-called "pleasured-life" would still be on bay..and to w/c I'm struggling right now..

.So help me God.